


Courting Mistakes

by Slayer_of_Destiny



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Cultural Differences, Dwarf Courting, Fluff and Crack, Hobbit Courting, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-15
Updated: 2015-11-15
Packaged: 2018-05-01 18:27:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5216135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slayer_of_Destiny/pseuds/Slayer_of_Destiny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thorin realises there is a big difference between Hobbit and Dwarf courting in some places when he upsets Bilbo. Now he must put it right, before the rest of the Company kill him. AU -They all live, a lot of fluff and a little crack mixed together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Courting Mistakes

"And what reason exactly do you have for letting Bilbo, our king's intended storm off alone?! And don't give me that rubbish about losing him, you can track Nori down in seconds!" Balin glared at Dwalin who shuffled a little nervously.

"He..." Dwalin muttered the last part.

"He what?" Dis frowned.

"He threatened me," Dwalin admitted.

"And what pray tell exactly did the 3'4 Hobbit threaten you with exactly, Lord of the Guard?" Dis' eyebrow was nearly passed her hairline by this point.

"I..." Dwalin flashed back to the vision of the furious Hobbit standing with his hands on his hips, blue eyes flashing dangerous as he glared at Dwalin with all the fury of Smaug himself. Practically breathing the fire too.

"Yes?" Dis and Balin both said practically at the same time.

"Well, first he threatened to tell Bifur I am courting Bofur," Dwalin coughed.

"You..."

"But of course I told hm that by duty as Lord of the guard was more important to me than keeping my balls attached to my body, and I am fairly sure Bofur will still love me even as a eunuch, so he then threatened never to let me have any of his dessert for a year as well,"

"You..."

"To which I told him that I would take that punishment if it meant that he was safe,"

"And?" Balin and Dis asked when he paused.

"So he threatened to do both those things and to...He swore he was going to sneak into my room every night and braid flowers into my beard and hair...and glue them there!" Dwalin actually squeaked slightly fingering the end of his beard in slight fear.

"And you gave into that! have you not heard of locks?!" Dis shouted.

"Hey! This is the hobbit that managed to stay hidden the those damned tree shaggers Kingdom, stealing food and finding us all, then sneaking the keys and sneaking us all out, not to mention the fact he was able to sneak out of Erebor with the Arkenstone without alerting any of the paranoid dwarves, plus he managed to sneak up on Azog and stab him in the leg! And are we forgetting that he is the BURGLAR that we hired to sneak into the mountain passed a dragon! Yes thank you very much, I took his threat seriously!" Dwalin huffed.

"He has a point, none of my spies have managed to find even a hint of him," Nori drawled as he sauntered into the room.

"Where could he be?!" Thorin growled frustrated and worried.

"What did you do anyway?" Bofur asked as he and the rest of the company walked in, all looking mildly concerned.

"Why do you presume it was me?!" Thorin snapped, pouting just a little when twelve pairs of eyes turned onto him with pointed looks.

"To be fair to my brother we're not entirely sure what he has done wrong this time. Everything was going well, we were having lunch and discussing the courting and the wedding, we had even managed to distract Fili and KIli so they wouldn't be pests during the planning..."

"Hey!" the two Dwarf princes interrupted their mother looking offended as they realised that they had been played.

"We were discussing when to have the wedding, I suggested winter, because I cannot wait much longer till we're married and Bilbo...he got really angry and upset, threw his cup at me and stormed out...and apparently threatened Dwalin to make sure he wasn't followed," Thorin said miserably. Indeed the company realised they could see orange bits sticking to their King's beard and hair.

"Oh!" Ori suddenly squeaked making everyone look at him. "You didn't read my book did you!"

"Ori I will get around to reading your tale of the quest soon I have a great deals many more important things to do right no..." Everyone blinked when Ori stamped his foot actually glaring at the King to stop his rant.

"Not that book! The book I gave you about Hobbits that I put together about Hobbit culture. If you had read it then you would not have gotten yourself into this mess!" Ori scarily looked a lot like Dori did when someone insulted Ori's knitwear.

"I could not find him either, why is Ori shouting at King Thorin about a book?" Tauriel asked as she glided over to Kili's side.

"I have a feeling that this could have easily been avoided and Bilbo's feelings not hurt if Thorin had taken the time to read whatever book this is," Kili explained. "Just as I did for you," He added smiling a little dopily and kissing his love's hand. There was a lot of eye rolling from the company and a giggle from Tauriel at this.

"Yes it could have been avoided! But instead you chose not to read my book!" Ori nodded glaring at Thorin even more.

"Perhaps if you tell me what I have done this time and I will get right onto that book as soon as..."

"No! Read the book and find the damned answer for yourself!" Ori glared before turning and stomping out of the room.

"I'm not even bothering giving chase this time, I know the threats Dori will make should I try it," Dwalin snorted when Thorin looked at him.

"Besides, you should have read that book before you decided to start courting Bilbo. It sounds like this is a cultural misunderstanding, and Mahal only knows how many of them you have made and Bilbo has decided to ignore," Dis scowled storming over to Thorin's desk and none too gently clearing it of the many parchment piles till she found the book.

The next twenty minutes were spent with the company glaring at Thorin, who sweating slightly under the pressure scanned quickly through the book trying to find what he needed.

"AH!" He crowed triumphantly before groaning miserably. Balin quickly snatched the book as Thorin covered his face.

"Wow, this is impressive even for you," Balin snorted as he finished reading the section.

"...well?" The others demanded.

"Apparently Thorin in Hobbit speak has basically declared that he thinks his marriage to Bilbo to be one of political convenience and plans to take a mistress to pride him children as his marriage to Bilbo will be as barren as the winter when it comes to love. Nearly every single hobbit wedding takes place in the spring as a representation of life and fertility, and new starts into life together," Nori read over Balin's shoulder.

"Idiot!" Dis roared, this time Thorin was quicker dodging the missile thrown at him. "If I lose the brother-in-law I am very much coming to love then I will crush you like an insect Thorin Oakenshield and I will wear your innards as a hat and carve beads from your bones! Fix. This!"

"Yes sister!" Thorin nodded from where he was hiding behind his chair, the company furiously trying to hide their laughter behind their hands. "Ah, Balin could you bring me that book back, and Bombur I will need your help too," Thorin coughed.

________________________________________________________  
"Are you ready to come back now?" Nori asked dropping down beside Bilbo where he was sitting miserably in the grass. The little tunnel out of the mountain was secret only to them, it led to a patch of grass and flowers tucked onto the mountainside that Bilbo liked escaping to when the mountain became too much. Or foolish Dwarf Kings that he happened to love.

"I'm not entirely sure," Bilbo sniffed.

"You know he didn't mean it as it comes across in your culture," Nori patted the Hobbit's back.

"I know, but...he's never asked or enquired about my culture, but he just expects me to know his..." Bilbo sniffed again.

"You may want to come and see this, he has made an apology," Nori grinned.

"What is it this time, another ornately carved necklace, no a shield, perhaps another sword even though he knows how attached I am to Sting," Bilbo glared down at his hairy feet.

"Not this time," Nori promised. he wore a smirk mischievous and knowing enough that Bilbo could not stop himself from trailing after the Spymaster curious as to what Thorin had done.

Nori led him back into the heart of the mountain where the royal wing used to be, but now had been fondly named The Company Corridor. They stopped outside of the dining room that Bilbo had insisted upon and where they ate at least one meal a day all together. Blinking confused at Nori Bilbo watched as the Dwarf reached up and swung both doors open at the same time dramatically. He saw why when the sight in front of him nearly had him fainting, never mind the amazing smells that hit him.

"Bilbo," Thorin's voice pulled his attention away from the amazing feast laid out in front of him, what he saw had his mouth dropping open. Thorin, Dis, Fili and Kili stood in a line, each of them covered in flour, sugar and other foods that indicated they had been the ones to have a major part in making this feast. The rest of the company were standing a little further back, each of them looking messy but not nearly as much as the royal family, but then they had never had much skill in cooking, Thorin had been banned from going anywhere near the food on the journey when he had managed to muck up flipping the meat at regular intervals.

"Thorin this..." Bilbo started before freezing when he realised what was sitting around the sides of the room. In dozens of vases hundreds of flowers sat, their sweet scents now distinguishable through the smell of the food.

"I know it may seem like I have not cared for your culture, I know I have been ignoring them, but truthfully I have been so excited about courting you and the idea of marrying you that I got over excited and caught up in the courting," Thorin apologised stepping over to Bilbo cautiously.

"So this..." Bilbo started but stopped as he took everything in again.

"I have missed three steps to Hobbit courting. Flowers presented to you to show my blooming feelings," Bilbo had to giggle at those words coming from Thorin but the King seemed appeased when Bilbo took his hand. "Your favourite meal cooked for you by my hand, and a meal with my family to introduce you. I know it is a little clumsy to do all at once but..."

"Thank you," Bilbo smiled tugging Thorin's beard so he could press a kiss to his mouth.

"The meal has more than one meaning though Bilbo!" Fili said excitedly.

"Oh?" Bilbo asked pulling back a little to look at Thorin cautiously.

"Well, it is an apology, a courting gift and a celebration," Thorin smiled.

"A celebration?"

"Yes, these have been put out around the Kingdom in the last hour," Balin smiled warmly as he handed over a poster.

'By Royal decree, announcing the marriage of King Thorin Oakenshield, reclaimer of Erebor and Bilbo Baggins of the Shire, hero and a reclaimer of Erebor on March 19th,' Bilbo read before his eyes widened in understanding.

"Thorin are you sure this is..."

"A day were we will both be truly happy and enjoy our marriage with the right meaning. You are worth the wait, though I cannot promise not to get impatient," Thorin smiled softly wrapping his hobbit in his arms.

"I will make it worth your while I promise," Bilbo grinned wiping flour from Thorin's cheek.

"Come now food!" Dis clapped her hands and the Dwarves descended on the table. Bilbo and Thorin shared one last lingering kiss before they joined them at the head of the table.

_________________________________(_____________________

As Bilbo dodged a flying roast potato courtesy of Gloin and smacked Kili's hands away from the roast beef so he could get a little more before it became a projectile at poor Balin who the lad seemed to be aiming for he exchanged an understanding and commiserating look with Tauriel, though she seemed to be embracing the food throwing more and more.

He grinned though as he started his third plate when Thorin grabbed the carrot that had been thrown his way mid air and threw a stuffing ball back at Bofur so hard it took his hat off. This bunch of daft Dwarves, and elf, were his family, and they accepted and loved him in a way he had not felt since he had lost his parents. This mad bunch were his and he loved every daft one of them.

And more than anything he loved the daft, insensitive, bull headed Dwarf King who underneath it all was a loving, kind, brave and caring Dwarf.

_________________________________________________________

"Bed," Bilbo said softly taking the book from Thorin's hands and placing it to the side.

"I don't want to make any more mistakes, I will need to finish it, as I should have done weeks ago," Thorin scowled reaching for the book Bilbo held out of his reach.

"I would much rather you come to our bed and keep my warm my King, this can wait. I will allow you to the end of the week to finish it," Bilbo grinned.

"Oh really, very kind of you, my love," Thorin rumbled wrapping Bilbo in his arms and pulling him closer, The Dwarf King's warm body heating Bilbo more than the fireplace they were beside.

"I know, I am generous and kind hearted like that," Bilbo sniffed.

"Tell that to Dwalin, the poor Dwarf kept flinching any time you looked at him," Thorin snickered standing and lifting his Hobbit in one smooth move.

"I will apologise to him tomorrow," Bilbo said trying to fight down his smile.

"I love you Bilbo Baggins,"

"And I you Thorin Oakenshield," Bilbo sighed.

_____________________________________________________________  
"You're cruel beyond belief Bilbo!" Thorin scolded through the tears of laughter falling down his face.

"I really am sorry Dwalin I could not help myself," Bilbo apologised through his own laughter, and over the laughter of the rest of the company.

"It is not funny! I thought they were glued in as you promised!" Dwalin snarled as he undid the many braids in his beard, shredding the flowers that were coming out with them. "And you, see this is what I was afraid of! Why worry about the sweet innocent little Hobbit?!" Look at this!" Dwalin growled at Balin and Dis.

"I...I...did not know a Dwarf your size could scream quite so high Dwalin! I am impressed," Tauriel said before they all burst into louder laughter. The scream had woken them all from their sleep and sent them running into the corridor in time to see Dwalin racing from his room frantic with his beards done in pretty braids and threaded with bluebells.

"Bastards the lot of you!" Dwalin growled storming into his room and slamming the door behind himself.

"Oh, I truly love you Bilbo Baggins," Thorin laughed pulling his Hobbit in for a kiss.

"I HEARD THAT YOU TRAITOR!" Dwalin bellowed from behind his door sending them into laughter once again.


End file.
